Ever Wonder Why We Get Defensive?

Chances are, at some point you’ve either found yourself on the defense in a conversation, or witnessed someone else reacting in a defensive way. Either side you’re on is anything but a good time.

I realize defenses have a place- the atmosphere, deodorant, eyelashes…

Defensiveness in a conversation, however, is incredibly destructive. Defensiveness at its baseline level results from one feeling unsafe in a conversation, and if someone feels unsafe, he/she won’t be capable of being present in that conversation.

While this is an important understanding, I’m interested in the why behind the why, and how the not so obvious can help assist me on my path.  If you’re reading this, clearly, you are as well. To really understand the nature of this uncomfortable emotion, we have to look deeper into human/spiritual anatomy.

Throughout the course of our lives we accumulate concentrated pockets of emotional energy in our bodies, (otherwise know as “pictures”) which correspond with various thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that are unique to our individual spirits. While most of us are unconscious to them, these archives – records of experiences and feelings about these experiences – actually motivate and control our perceptions and dictate the ways in which we direct, interpret and react to every facet of daily life.  Hang with me- I know this is getting a little complex.

Typically pictures are created early in life based off of an initially emotionally charged or traumatic experience. A parent, teacher, or sibling may have invalidated us in some way, and as we grow older, these pictures behave like snowballs, attracting similar experiences/energy, and thus, increasing in size and density.

These pictures attract people with similar energies into our lives that join us in playing out these pictures.  For example, a person may have a core picture of being abandoned, while another person has a picture of fleeing when times get tough. These two are drawn to each other to live out those pictures. On another level, you may meet someone who you have a lot in common with; on a more granular level you two actually have matching pictures.

In fact, these pictures can also carry over from previous lifetimes. Just as some people are born with incredible artist or athletic abilities, we can also carry pictures of abandonment, failure, betrayal, rejection, greed, poverty, etc. from one lifetime to the next.

This is why, often times, two people are raised in the same family with nearly identical experiences, but have vastly different personalities.  There have been many accounts of twins who have the exact same genetic make-up, but have very distinct personalities to the extent that one may suffer from eating disorder or an addiction, while the other will not. This is because their individual spirits carry different pictures.

For years I’d get very defensive around certain family members. It didn’t matter whether an attack was real or merely something I perceived; regardless, the energy from the various conversations would attach to my pictures, light them up and cause me to experience the pain associated with old wounds while adding to the snowball.

If you find yourself in situations where you feel defensive….


Righteous Indignation

Overstating a position


Attacking the other person





Then you have pictures that are still energized around whatever topic provokes these behaviors. And not to worry, we all have energized pictures. Facing your pictures is one of the toughest things you will ever do, but it’s necessary if you want to grow past the reactionary level of consciousness where you sit today.

It’s been over six years now that I’ve been holding a magnifying glass to my pictures. I now understand every single interaction I have is for me to learn about me. So if something triggers a defense, it’s a good time to take a step back and realize this is a picture I need to heal and release.

This has allowed me to be less impacted by what others say; with no picture to attach to, the energy just passes by, and I don’t have to relive all that past pain that elicits my defenses.

Now that you have a new lens to look through when you find yourself engaged in a conversation with a defensive person, you have more power to help diffuse the situation. While you’re not responsible for someone becoming defensive, you can maintain compassion and silently send him or her love. You’ll be surprised what will transpire. If the defensiveness really gets under your skin, look and see if you can find a matching picture that you can heal and release.

It’s easy to want to look outside and point the finger elsewhere for reasons why we hurt. But time and again, as I peel back the layers of what appears to be true, and I uncover what’s actually going on, I find myself (and my pictures) sitting at the core of any creation. I’m careful not to judge myself; I got myself here, and here is where I’m seeking the truth to change and grow into a more conscious woman. I’m so happy you’ve decided to join me on this journey. As we heal ourselves we heal the planet.












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